Brave

Everyone keeps telling me how Brave they think I am.  Brave to leave my country, my family, my friends, my language, my job...my life (or at least the life that used to be mine).  Brave.  Why don't I feel Brave?  When I think of the word Brave I imagine someone who is without fear or doubt, full of confidence and strong.  That isn't me.  That. Is. Not. Me.  I wish that it was, but it isn't.

There have been some hard things and some hard days.  I have been feeling this dark, heavy weight closing in around me, at times, consuming me. The visa process has been impossible.  The job hunt almost nearly as impossible.  No one is giving me a clear answer.  I have spent hours on the phone and the computer with nothing to show for it.

If I am so Brave, why is my garbage full of empty ice cream containers?  Why do I sometimes take a nap in the middle of the day, just to get an hour when I don't have to stress about anything?  If I am so Brave then why do I have breakdowns on benches and in buses?  If I am so Brave, why do I feel so weak?

I chose to come here only after I had some of the most powerful spiritual promptings of my life.  I was led here by God.  I know that it is exactly where I need to be.  Why are the right things often the hardest things?

I don't think that I am Brave but I found a talk that is helping me to be.  It is by Elder Holland and is called, "Cast not therefore away thy confidence."  (click on title to read talk or click here to listen to it) Here are a few of my favorite quotes:

"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing.  If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now.  Don’t give up when the pressure mounts.  Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness.  Face your doubts.  Master your fears.  'Cast not away therefore your confidence.'  Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

"There may come after the fact some competing doubts and confusion, but it will pale when you measure it against the real thing.  Remember the real thing.  Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and you got it."

"Don't let your guard down.  Don't assume that a great revelation, some marvelous, illuminating moment, the opening of an inspired path, is the end of it.  Remember, it isn't over until it's over."

"We must resist the temptation to panic and give up.  At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary’s weapons against us...don't draw back.  Don't panic and retreat.  Don't lose your confidence.  Don't forget how you once felt.  Don't distrust the experience you had."

"Along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose.  Trust in that eternal truth.  If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, He will provide the way for you to accomplish it." 

"Therefore, let not your hearts faint...Mine angels shall go before you, and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land (D&C 103:17, 19-20)."  "What goodly land?  Well, your goodly land.  your promised land.  Your new Jerusalem.  Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey.  Your future.  Your dreams.  Your destiny.  I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what His plan is for us.  We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the Brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to in order to know the Lord's will for us and to know that He loves us beyond mortal comprehension.  I also believe that the advesary and his pinched, calculating little minions try to oppose such experiences and then try to darken them after they happen.  

"Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation.  It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going.  With paul, I say to all of you: 'Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.  For ye have need of patience, that after you have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise' (Heb. 10:35-36)."

"I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future.  I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that He has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness.  I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there." 

"And when the second and third and fourth blows come, 'fear ye not...The Lord shall fight for you' (Ex. 14:13-14)."

I'm not Brave yet, but I'm sure trying to be.