There is a reason that Nephi said, "I will go AND do the things which the Lord hath commanded (1 Nephi 3:7)." Going can be hard, but doing?... DOING is another beast - a giant, fire breathing, armor plated beast. To go is good, great even but it isn't enough. Like all worthwhile stories, ya gotta confront the beast, even if it means singed eyebrows and extreme fear and possible (but usually not resulting in) death. So here is the true tale of when I slayed my dragon.
I KNEW that I needed to move up to Al Husn (I knew back in March). I KNEW that I needed to go. But I was SCARED. Scared to leave Amman. Scared to leave the known. Scared to have to speak Arabic ALL the time. Scared to be in such a foreign situation. Scared about starting a new job, eating weird food, going to a new branch... The list goes on and on. I wouldn't have moved had I not KNOWN that it was the Lord asking me to GO.
I had started feeling like a change was coming but I wasn't sure what or where. I don't want to go into too many details but I had a dream. And then one thing led to another and I was asked to speak in the North Branch. That whole day I kept feeling like I needed to move there. I did a weekend visit to stay with a family and do a kind of trial run. On the bus home after that (really great) weekend the word that kept running through my head was "hard." I kept thinking this was going to be SO HARD..so hard. so hard. so hard. It was like this twisted chant that kept repeating through my mind.
I walked back into the Bradford's beautiful home and looked at all the comforts that I would have to give up.... and that word, "HARD" crept back in. As I was saying my prayers that night I felt the Lord prompting me to read my scriptures before I went to bed. And so I opened them. And this is the verse I read: "Thy brothers (you) murmur, saying it is a hard thing which of have required of them (you); but behold I have not required it of them (you) but it is a commandment of the Lord...Therefore go." I laughed out loud and then cried and then knelled down and said, "Okay, I'll go."
But then I had to wait for a job. And then I got a job. And then I had to do training in Amman. And then they said no. And then they said yes but wait. So I waited. And waited. And a month had gone by. And then General Conference and I knew that I needed to go. So I decided to go. And then finally a green light from the organization saying they were ready for me to start. And after a few weeks they said there was a visa problem and so the job ended but it had gotten me there... made me brave enough to GO, gave me the push. It wasn't the job I needed, it was just the push that I needed.
I was so sad. I'd been dreaming of working with refugees. It was what I wanted. And then it was taken from me. I couldn't find a job after that, or at least not the right one. It was hard to have such long days without a clear purpose, a routine.
The family routine was SO different from mine. Wake up in the afternoon. Relax. Breakfast. Hang out. Make lunch. Eat lunch (at 4:00). Make dinner. Eat dinner (at about 8:00). And then visit with family and friends all night (rotating whose house). Talk. 4th meal around midnight. Then more talking. Then in bed around 3:00am.
I fought against this schedule for a long time. I tried going to bed around 10:00 or 11:00, waking up early, studying... I fought desperately to cling to some kind of normalcy in a so not normal environment.
(The view out our front window)
And then I became overwhelmed. Arabic wasn't coming fast enough. I felt out of place. Alone and like the outsider that I was. And so there were a few days were I locked myself in my shared (with two other girls) room. I read. I watched movies. I hid... not all the time but too often. I couldn't do it. I was a failure. I had gone but I wasn't DOING. I couldn't figure out how.
And then finally one day the how took shape. It came from a conversation with a neighbor. The Lord used her to speak to me and answer my prayers. She gave me the verbal slap on the face that I needed.
So I let go. I let go of my schedule. My idea of productivity. My idea of what I'd be doing there. And it was so incredibly liberating. I adopted their schedule. Where they went, I went. I didn't ever say no to an outing. I spoke Arabic nonstop. I didn't hide. I didn't read any non Arabic books or watch any non Arabic movies. I integrated. And it was an AMAZING experience. I truly lived a Jordanian life. That time was full of rich, beautiful experiences. And I was happy. So incredibly happy.
I remember one of the days in that time period when I went in to talk to a professor at a nearby university. I sat in his office and conversed with him in Arabic comfortably, easily. It was natural. It just flowed. He was impressed. I walked out of that office a new person, changed. My heart was overflowing with wonder, hope, excitement, peace, joy, love, gratitude. All of a sudden it ALL felt possible and worth it. Another day I went to visit one of the Young Women and her family. It was another miraculous and beautiful experience. Not every visit was the same. Some were harder than others but good, always oh so good.
The lord had given me the strength to burst the bonds (1 Nephi 7:17) I'd put on myself. I'm not saying that the schedule I adopted is the one that I plan on keeping for the rest of my life, but it was my answer in that moment for that situation. The Lord loves us and knows us perfectly. He is patient. He is merciful. He is kind. And He will enable us to go AND do if we are willing to do His will. He'll give us strength beyond our wildest dreams to burst unbreakable bonds and slay our dragons. We may get singed along the way but scares heal. Lessons are learned. Faith is increased. And we can go forward, confident that the Lord is fighting with us and for us.
(The Tashman Crew... my adopted Jordanian family)
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